Hello all. The following is about how the relationship between my best friend and I developed. Honestly, it feels weird to type stuff like “My best friend and I”. So I shall just write this to the person herself. Yes, I’m talking about you, Rebecca. Here goes.
For today, I’ll use the first 5 stages of Knapp’s model of relational development.
I first got to know you in December (December 6 to be exact) last year, when we both joined the choir to sing for the children’s home. This is the initiating stage. Well, I remember clearly that I spoke to you because you’re from the same CCA as I was – Track and Field. And incidentally, the coaches from my school coached yours too! But if I remember correctly, our conversation ended there and then. Haha.
Then came the experimenting stage. Even though we did meet up quite a few times after singing for the children’s home because of the youth Christmas service song presentation preparation, our discussion topics revolved around track and field, mutual friends, the coaches, choir, church etc. Nothing deep, nothing significant. All small talk (phatic communication). Safe, general topics. But it maintained some kind of connection between us, and we became a bit more than hi-bye friends.
Now here’s where it gets blurry. I’m not sure if the intensifying stage (increased commitment, awareness and participation) started here or later: on 21 Febuary, Saturday, you went for All-comers Meet, then I called you at night to ask you how you were. Our conversation started from discussing the competition and gradually branched to other deeper topics, like family, some failed attempts of mine, feelings etc. In the end, that phone call lasted 3 hours and 40 minutes. Neither of us had spoken on the phone for so long before. It was a new experience, and I got to know you much better through it. And through all the subsequent meet-ups (in which we shared about our past hurts, certain struggles, and thought through problems together), events (thanks for being there for me when I was down after release of results, and visiting me when I couldn’t really walk properly) and many other situations – these further strengthened our relationship.
For integrating, we influenced and caused each other to grow. From you I learnt about having a spirit of excellence in everything I do, and doing my best in everything I’ve been given. I’ve also learnt how to express my love for others through the use of haptics (usually I just go the extra mile to help people and encourage them) – for the first time in about 6-7 years, I gave my father and sister a hug. And also about taking initiative to build family relationships. The above 3 aren’t exhaustive though.
Now for bonding. To put it simply: we’ve decided to hold each other accountable, be open to one another, speak the truth in love (for wounds from a friend can be trusted), spur each other on in our walk with God and to continue running this race together till the end. This is my commitment; please feel free to kick me if I don’t keep to it.
Note to all: If you’re wondering why I can remember all the dates, it’s because I keep a journal. Haha.
Wow! You actually kept track of everything? Then I should be feeling guilty right now as sometimes I can't even remember the exact dates of my friends' birthday(guilty as charged). It is interesting to see how you can seperate the journey of becoming friends into the different stages (I don't even think I have any elaborate stages for most of friendships. It's more likely a fast-track relationship)
ReplyDeleteHowever, i think it's a bit strange to have the experimenting stage there. I mean, shouldn't the experimental stage be like just for a day or two? I feel that the moment you started to talk about Track and Field, you should be in the intensifying stage because you can connect with each other quite closely?
But, afterall, I am an outsider reading this. so, perharps, u can ask your friend to comment too? :)
-Chu Yuan
Hey, nice blog post you have here. You should get your best friend to read it.
ReplyDeleteI personally think the intensifying and integrating stages it involves so much more than what you have mentioned, but of course I know you can't say it all out cause it'll be too much to say and also some memories are better kept between both you and your best friend to keep your relationship with her special. I believe that in these stages, there are also the simple hanging out, and spending good times with her, rather than all the struggles that you have mentioned.
Your blog post does make me think of my own relationship with my best friend. Believe it or not, I actually disliked my best friend before.
Hi Liyin!
ReplyDeleteThis is a very personal post indeed, I agree with you that the Knapp Model taught in class can not only be applied to romantic dyadic communication, but also to friendship.
Like many other friendships, our friendship started out at the initiating step also! And that will be when we got to know each other at ESL 407, despite being in the same OG for Orientation. But I believe it was the COM 101 project that really strengthened our friendship! And that will be Experimenting and Intensifying stage - with our project group discussions and outside of that becoming a good friends in our group! Great to know a friend like you! :)
it is always very nice to recall how a friendship with someone starts. i believe that the first two stages (initiating and experimenting) are the most important stages. this is because if one does not find the other person appealing or share common grounds at all, there is a high possibility that the friendship will take a very long time to blossom, or not blossom at all.
ReplyDeletebut come to think of it, not all relationships start off nice and pleasant. i remember having friends whom i do not really like at first, but have subsequently grown to embrace the person and become good friends. this model of Knapp can thus be only a model and not a theory.
Hey Li Yin!
ReplyDeleteThat was a really sweet post! Rebecca you should treasure your best friend! I can really see Knapps' relationship model here in your growing relationship with Rebecca. Personally for myself I always remember the first initiating stage as awkward moments between me and my friends but somehow they grew and developed!
It's great to hear that you and Rebecca influence each other to grow, I guess that's just another plus side of friendships.
ReplyDelete(I totally forgot that day when you hugged me in 6-7 years? Are you sure you hugged me? HAHA.)
The best thing is that, you two can have a so-called mentor to boost you in your walk with God! One can always turn to another, and pray together when experiencing difficulties.
I sure hope your relationship continues growing well in the LORD!
Love, your sis :)
I am so encouraged by this relationship with God in the centre! Hahas~ [Ops am I allowed to be informal in this? O.o]
ReplyDeleteAnyway the model I learnt for friendship is somewhat different [although it is the same in its essence]
Allow me to comment on them here just to give you a wider perspective.
Role limited interactions: During initial encounters with rebecca, you tend to rely on standard social rules and roles and stick with safe topics: eg track and field which is common for both of you.
Then you move onto friendly relations where the two of you became more than just hi-bye friends. Each person starts to find more about the person to see whether they have sufficient common ground to build a friendship. According to communications scholar Weinstock & Bond, 200) most people seek friends who are like them in many ways. In this case, it will be the desire to serve God and to grow together, interests, even similar experiences. This allows for the exploration of the potential for a deeper relationship.
Then moving towards friendship, you will personalise a relationship by introducing more personal topics than those discussed eg: track or school. That'll be the phone conversation about family and feelings etc. This personal knowledge then forms the initial foundation of friendship.
The next stage nascent friendship is marked by increased involvement and caring. Social norms and roles become less important in regulating interaction and friends begin to work out their private ways of relating. They also settle into patterns of getting together for specific things eg: the two of you exchanging long phone calls to talk to one another [Hahas! I remember this time I tried to call you and the phone was engaged for so long -.-" LOLS sorry I'm so unforgiving._. I'm a sinner *sobs*]
Then when friends are established in each other's lives, their relationship will stabilise. There is an assumption of continuity and they assume they will keep seeing each other, just like the two of you will see each other for all eternity. This stage is marked by high levels of trust. Through disclosing private information and responding with acceptance, friends earn each others' trust. In turn, they feel safe when they share even more intimate information or reveal vulnerabilities to each other.
I think that's the whole point of a relationship actually, to be open and unguarded, just authentic. that's when trust can develop and it can be brought to greater depths (:
Wow I feel like I'm revising for my exam on your blog.__. LOLS
wow im amazed at the degree of details you went into for your post. haha anw, you remind me of my relationship with my best friend, which sadly to say, has deterioated over the past few months. i shant go into details here or else it'll threaten to overshadow yours! =P I can say that our relationship has gone from the first 5 stages of Knapp's model to differentiating, circumscribing, and finally stagnating. this has happened because of certain misunderstandings that arouse because my friend wasnt honest with me enough. we are still good friends, but i must say with regret that i doubt our relationship can ever go back to how it was in the past again. so treasure your relationship with your best friend! not everyone has the blessing to have such a close relationship with another person. =)
ReplyDelete